Pool and ocean view of/from our recent AirBnB stay at “The Onion House” in Kona, HI.
Today's Q&A blog question:
" Jaimee, How do you stay so positive?"
(This question comes from an Instagram direct message–permission granted to post, private account/privacy retained.)
Aside from the increased frequency of relaxing vacations I've been taking lately, I've wrestled throughout my whole life with staying positive, as many people do. But, I'm constantly iterating my way through feeling and thinking better thoughts more often. Of course, negative things exist in the world, and negative things happen to people I love and to me. But I realized I could acknowledge these things without giving them momentum via rebroadcast. Instead, I ask myself, "Can I do anything to change this?"
If "yes," I take action or make a plan/get help with taking action.
If "no," I choose something better to spend my valuable time and energy on. This sort of "choice-making" translates into genuinely feeling better inside and out.
Because I am genuinely feeling better due to these choices I'm making inside my head, the energy I'm transmitting is much more positive. I am noticing that people around me are feeling it – not just in person but also through my posts and my doodle journal.
One of the ways I'm shifting toward more positivity is how I navigate things that bother me. A big one is COMPLAINTS.
Fact: Ken gently pointed out one day that my complaint frequency had increased quite a lot and was becoming… quite a lot. I needed to hear this because I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Once I had an awareness, I was catching it all the time. It was like that thing where you notice a bright orange car in traffic one day, then suddenly you start seeing a lot of same-orange colored cars everywhere you go.
Once I could see it, my complaint frequency was (and may still be) pretty high. Important detail: it wasn't even that I was complaining about new things all the time, but the same things over and over. As if I were stuck in some weird muck-pond of negativity that I didn't even realize I was standing in, and it's all I can focus on.
That's not who I want to be, and that's not what I want in my life. In an effort to phase that sort of junk-thinking out, I started thinking about a Complaint Resolution Process that allows me to complain about a thing three times, max. (Max meaning, less is strongly encouraged because some things do not deserve this much time in my head or in my friends’/familys' ears.) Because even in a really crappy situation, I have agency over how I respond to that situation. I have agency over what I put back into the world.
Here's a process I've been practicing for the things that dig in enough to be vocalized:
ONE:
The first-time complaint is awareness and venting. Kind of like taking out the emotional trash but being mindful of where that trash is dumped. It can't just go anywhere and everywhere all willy-nilly.
Note: If you don't have a designated source (trusted friend, partner, therapist, etc.) for venting, you might be dumping in the wrong place(s.)
TWO:
The second-time complaint is time to brainstorm solutions. If I haven't already, a second complaint about the same ol' thing means I need to ask myself what pieces I have control over and what I can do to change or accept the situation.
Note: A great designated source can shed some outside perspective and solution ideas.
THREE:
The third-time complaint is an acknowledgment that I control the impact the thing has on me and choose resolve by putting solutions into action.
Note: A great designated source will only tolerate complaints about the same darn thing so many times before they look you in the eyes and say, "Time to DO SOMETHING about this, or quit complaining about it." Because your complaints become heavy and toxic to them, too.
If I'm still complaining about the same thing after "three," maybe the problem is not the thing I'm complaining about and maybe I should focus on adjusting the "me" bits first.
This whole process has me looking at how I process things that bother me, in general. I've started asking myself why I'm bothered and if it deserves that energy (or any energy.) This approach isn't a default state, it's another thing I have to practice mindfully, but it's definitely contributing to a more positive state overall. I want more of that in my life, so I keep on practicing.
Outside this practice, I've been taking more time to breathe, appreciate, and exist in gratitude. That might sound a little "hooey" for some folks, but for real… it's working out!
Have a question for me? Email me here or leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you!
❤ Jaimee